Eating Disorders Awareness Week always makes me think about how invisible my struggle once was. From the outside, I looked capable and even successful, but inside my mind was in constant stress. Food wasn’t just food but it was a measure of whether I had been “good” or “bad” that day! I didn’t recognise it as an illness for a long time but my life was shrinking and revolving around avoiding food.
For a long time, restricting my intake felt like it was in control and (I know it sounds crazy) powerful. I could conquer my appetite. It was the thing I did when I felt overwhelmed or uncertain. So, letting go of it felt terrifying. Giving up controlling my food meant giving up something that had convinced me it was keeping me safe from spiralling out of control.
Recovery wasn’t a dramatic breakthrough for me. It was a series of small, uncomfortable decisions made over and over again. I had to eat when my brain told me not to. I started telling the truth in therapy even when it felt humiliating. I let people see that I was struggling instead of pretending I was fine. It was horrible, I can’t pretend otherwise. I had to get used to being in a bigger body, and the fear that brought up. But slowly, the obsessive thoughts began to loosen their grip. I realised one day that I had gone hours without thinking about food, and that was really motivating.
What my freedom looks like now is not perfection or constant body confidence. It’s being able to sit at a table and focus on conversation instead of calories. It’s choosing food based on hunger rather than fear. It’s having energy for relationships, creativity, and me! The constant mental noise has given me back time I didn’t realise I was missing.
If you are struggling during Eating Disorders Awareness Week, I want you to know that you don’t have to look a certain way or reach a certain level of suffering to deserve help. You are not weak for finding comfort in something that now hurts you. And you are not beyond change, even if it feels that way. Recovery is not instant, and it is not linear, and it is hard. I never believed I would get rid of this condition, but I did.
I hope you find the courage and support to recover too.
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